To whom it may concern:
"Relax" is not a word I would associate with non-voluntary vaginal prodding. It is uncomfortable and a wee bit painful. I'm so ecstatic you lubed up the 6 inches of plastic before you rammed them up my babymaker...but let's be honest, it's not what one would consider to be an enjoyable experience.
Hurry it up! My God. Despite my best attempts to coax my vaginal muscles into some sort of submission during their yearly bout with medical torture isn't enough, it's cold...and I usually require some sort of meal or alcholic beverage before I let someone get up close an personal with my hoohaw. Next time, at least buy me a drink.
Don't talk to me about my job, friends, school, life, or pop culture. There isn't a damn thing you could say to me to make me forget about the Eiffel Tower being lodged in between my legs. And thank you, but I'd rather not spend the rest of my day associating my pap smear with how cute Brad and Angelina's baby is or what field I'd like to major in. As blase as the topics may be to you, I wouldn't like to flip through an "US Weekly" magazine and see the cute little face of baby Shiloh and be reminded of your uninvited foray into my body.
Be gentle, be fast, and be quiet.
That is all I ask.
Now...all that being said, I would like to thank you for one thing:
Being the most action I've got since February.
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